Little Bundle of Contradictions~

I love my baby cat’s reaction, such a cutie.

The past month (though it’s technically not yet over) had taken me completely engrossed. Most of these matters are school-related, few last concerns about graduation, thesis, and clearance to name a few.

People frequently asked what are my plans after graduation, I want to answer them upfront and tell them that I haven’t planned in details but I am anticipating a hard push from the universe, and I am just hoping that I will get through all the necessary-getting-a-job-in-two-months bother. But I decided it’s too surly to use for their warm smiles, so I consoled their inquisitive being by sharing them my short-term scheme such as future interviews, exams, and the likes.

I really hope that they appreciate this limbo state where I am in as much as I do.

Giving this blog a life.

I keep a blog because time seems to rule a magnificent reign over me that I tend to miss what have transpired through all the times I was busy trying to catch up with the things I missed. I tend to be constantly in oblivion when I am busy with school and other related things and keeping a blog would be the smartest thing to do. I keep a blog to defy time or to think that I am being able to defy time - to freeze and savor the memories a little longer than the actuality. I want to hold on to every little piece of realization it grants to me, to my life and to others hence the very raison d’être of this blog.

I blog about the thoughts that capture my imagination as I step, jump and spelunk my way through life. I blog about the artistry that imbues me to be of inspiration, of motivation to others so as to deserve a tinge of appreciation even in the bosoms of those that only matter to me. I blog about my opinions about the issues that overwhelm me or the milieu where I am located. I blog to open up, to disclose what I know and what I don’t know, to learn more and unlearn what is not worth keeping anymore, to surprise and be surprised, to blossom in this garden of intricacies called life.

I take blogging a little step higher as I tend to accumulate more years of experiences, enthusiasm, and disappointments that I want to share with the rest regardless of who they are, to show the world the maturity I have come to imbibe, that I have learned its worldly wisdom well.

I give this blog a life to remind me how good and/or bad I am in forgetting, how far I have reached with realizing and missing my dreams, and how I satisfy living my existence with what world has bestowed me.

I think I have already mentioned Ks for not just a single time here but I’ve never introduced her properly. Well, Ks is my all-time best friend, the kind of one close friend you always confide to even if you’ve been technically apart for months. We’ve known each other from the most crucial and emotionally challenging days of our lives: highschool. Up to now, she remains to be the friend I know since training bra days: kind, thoughtful, sweet, and honest. I hope our thicker-than-thieves bond lasts for forever and that she does well in her post-grad study, because I’ve always been proud of her.

Feels like this story will only leave me in tears. In a good way. The mother issue is actually “too sweet” for my liking but I’m already disposed to adore Lily when she showcases the beekeeper in me.

I have so may things to tell, so many realizations to process, and quotable lines to hold and make fun with from meeting my Bs, but I am saving it all for a proper blog entry. On the other hand, I just can’t hold up on sharing this photo. I miss them.

I have to be more accustomed to cycle, to repetition, to committal of the same mistakes because life offers them more than half of what I am prepared to.
I am otherwise disposed to obey authority and to what is conventionally social. To be gregarious so that when the blues arrived in my home I have someone “to divine my morbid suffering to which I was a prey”.
My enthusiasm to contain this spirited mind is gradually ebbing away the more I try to. As if energy evaporates slowly with the sun as it fades away every eventide.
I have to revise my standard canons of taste. I have to stop from wishing my expectations to happen. This is a sad chapter.
I am currently answering questions for a blog feature.

projectnostalgia asked: Hi, beautiful. I thought I might drop by since I have the time. Be happy. Always.

The most fruitful get together we had since we acquiesced to have an annual reunion. I was so delighted I can’t wait to be with my lovely girls real soon. The feeling was always magnificent, I lacked words to use. I just felt so blessed with the whole year just to be with them once more. After that meeting, they left me this feeling of wanting to maximize my 2013 to the greatest extent (See, what I did) just because I know I have them who love me despite all my imperfections.

I spent my weekend with Lee and his bold and unique writing style as a realization of my promise to read Filipino novelists. I would be reading classics as I planned too - Sionil is my first choice then Doveglion. I also answered the cutie patootie slumbook today. The experience was so funny, I could not decide if it was because it reminded me of high school years or I just caught the slum book fever late. Haha. Either way, it made my days off worth relishing.

Next week, I will be back to being a student again, officially, with a tinge of disappointment on my forehead. Well, disappointment is a relative subject, so is happiness. At one point it was devastating but looking at the bigger picture widens one’s perspectives. As to me, I have been disappointed with everything that to tackle might only end up with exposing my own dingbattery, I refused to further embarrass myself.

Aware of the looming sad truth about next week, I chose to make my week fruitful, vibrant and hopeful, just to loosen that tiny compelling strings of blaming and hurting, the typical manifestation of failures. I was not being harsh to myself, I was this tenderly brutal and the result wasn’t even bad. I was able to finish two books this week - The Angel’s Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon and Para Kay B by Ricky Lee which means I have to update with a book review next time soon. I also had the time to finally catch up with my best friend who had been gone for so long. On the same day, we were able to send the books for our dear winner and my proper apologies for making her wait. Though, truthfully, I am still worrying about some unimportant things, I am grateful for the little temporary peace I have as of the moment with my family. I had so much time to hate the world that I wonder how can I compensate with all the good it presented me. Maybe my disappointment is making me wiser and more peace-loving and maybe bringing me the view to a happier field, though happiness is still relative my disappointment has to be right in leading me up here.

This is probably the closest to certainty that I have done to my blog and probably the girliest step to embracing my personality. And I am still ambivalent about it until now.

The truth is, I had been meaning for the last months to post something that embraces style ipseity without violating the fashion etiquette. But fashion has a relatively constricting sense these days that to use it makes me feel like I am committing such a profound offense against the essence of couture, so I would like to deviate from such typology as much as possible, though as apparent as it is, I have not been in the position to claim otherwise.

My personal capricious want became more compelling when Teesh and I had an implicit agreement about this latest fashion-related blog endeavor we bound ourselves to commit. As compliance to it, she started her Sassy Saturdays two weeks ago while I was still thinking askance if I can pull off the idea.

Yet, lo and behold despite all my anxieties and qualms, I am posting this entry as my first installment to this craziness. The look is Mexican teledrama inspired or so what I think is. The brown sleeveless lace top had been saved from complete oblivion when I found it in my recent rummaging spree in my mom’s box while I have been itching to use the long blue cotton skirt since I have possession of it. I only wore a vintage bracelet as an upper arm accessory. I intentionally put it in my arm to catch attention since it is one of my strong parts including thighs and legs. For the glory of being skinny! There was a sad part though, I couldn’t find a footwear to fit the minimalistic appearance. Good thing, I was just staying at home with David Martin as my company. And I was really hoping he wouldn’t find me dressing like a tart. ;P

Sundays are my days to chill - to recharge, to recuperate from all the anxiety the weekdays have bestowed - but lately I have been feeling unworthy of such particular pleasure or enjoyment.

I have been meaning to write these cruelties that bother me for all the world to know but I always end up scribbling vague words of uncertainties, phrases of disappointment and fragmented thoughts from my mistakes which I can’t seem to handle the consequences.

Yet today, I gathered some extracourage to forgive myself if not to cease feeling liable for everything. See, I still speak in ambiguity but this is the clearest that I can share. At least, I am offering something personal though still works in the realm of obscurity, so for that, congratulations, self!

I spent the entire afternoon doing things I love such as readings books, photographing lovely things while doing the vainest stunt in the world - self portraiture.

Before anything, I would like to convey my deepest gratitude to all who have joined. I wished I could make you all win. I promise this would not be the last. Finally, we’ve come up with the winner! Woo hoo! Congratulations to—

Today, my blockmate approached me, telling me her grievances about what I said a week ago when she was reciting (or was not able to recite) in our Philosophy of Man class. She told me she felt really awful while looking all piteous and at the same time, blunt. I remembered the professor was trying to help her come up with the answer while she made no effort at all to care or listen. And I blurted, out of sheer annoyance, something like, “Hindi ka kasi nakikinig” with a short pause in every syllable. I remembered my demeaning, authoritative voice and I understood her feelings for a moment. I told her I am sorry, it was not my intention to make her feel that way. It was the least effect I wanted to happen really. My pure objective was for her to realize the obvious, for her to focus and listen, a wake up call maybe as if she was in deep slumber. I wanted to do that peacefully with no commission of offense! But I failed. Few minutes, after she left me in silence, I felt bad. I felt bad because I apologized for telling the truth and that my efforts to correct her were all spent in vain.