Little Bundle of Contradictions
The past month (though it’s technically not yet over) had taken me completely engrossed. Most of these matters are school-related, few last concerns about graduation, thesis, and clearance to name a few.
People frequently asked what are my plans after graduation, I want to answer them upfront and tell them that I haven’t planned in details but I am anticipating a hard push from the universe, and I am just hoping that I will get through all the necessary-getting-a-job-in-two-months bother. But I decided it’s too surly to use for their warm smiles, so I consoled their inquisitive being by sharing them my short-term scheme such as future interviews, exams, and the likes.
I really hope that they appreciate this limbo state where I am in as much as I do.
projectnostalgia asked: Hi, beautiful. I thought I might drop by since I have the time. Be happy. Always.
Next week, I will be back to being a student again, officially, with a tinge of disappointment on my forehead. Well, disappointment is a relative subject, so is happiness. At one point it was devastating but looking at the bigger picture widens one’s perspectives. As to me, I have been disappointed with everything that to tackle might only end up with exposing my own dingbattery, I refused to further embarrass myself.
Aware of the looming sad truth about next week, I chose to make my week fruitful, vibrant and hopeful, just to loosen that tiny compelling strings of blaming and hurting, the typical manifestation of failures. I was not being harsh to myself, I was this tenderly brutal and the result wasn’t even bad. I was able to finish two books this week - The Angel’s Game by Carlos Ruiz Zafon and Para Kay B by Ricky Lee which means I have to update with a book review next time soon. I also had the time to finally catch up with my best friend who had been gone for so long. On the same day, we were able to send the books for our dear winner and my proper apologies for making her wait. Though, truthfully, I am still worrying about some unimportant things, I am grateful for the little temporary peace I have as of the moment with my family. I had so much time to hate the world that I wonder how can I compensate with all the good it presented me. Maybe my disappointment is making me wiser and more peace-loving and maybe bringing me the view to a happier field, though happiness is still relative my disappointment has to be right in leading me up here.
Sundays are my days to chill - to recharge, to recuperate from all the anxiety the weekdays have bestowed - but lately I have been feeling unworthy of such particular pleasure or enjoyment.
I have been meaning to write these cruelties that bother me for all the world to know but I always end up scribbling vague words of uncertainties, phrases of disappointment and fragmented thoughts from my mistakes which I can’t seem to handle the consequences.
Yet today, I gathered some extracourage to forgive myself if not to cease feeling liable for everything. See, I still speak in ambiguity but this is the clearest that I can share. At least, I am offering something personal though still works in the realm of obscurity, so for that, congratulations, self!
I spent the entire afternoon doing things I love such as readings books, photographing lovely things while doing the vainest stunt in the world - self portraiture.
Before anything, I would like to convey my deepest gratitude to all who have joined. I wished I could make you all win. I promise this would not be the last. Finally, we’ve come up with the winner! Woo hoo! Congratulations to—
Today, my blockmate approached me, telling me her grievances about what I said a week ago when she was reciting (or was not able to recite) in our Philosophy of Man class. She told me she felt really awful while looking all piteous and at the same time, blunt. I remembered the professor was trying to help her come up with the answer while she made no effort at all to care or listen. And I blurted, out of sheer annoyance, something like, “Hindi ka kasi nakikinig” with a short pause in every syllable. I remembered my demeaning, authoritative voice and I understood her feelings for a moment. I told her I am sorry, it was not my intention to make her feel that way. It was the least effect I wanted to happen really. My pure objective was for her to realize the obvious, for her to focus and listen, a wake up call maybe as if she was in deep slumber. I wanted to do that peacefully with no commission of offense! But I failed. Few minutes, after she left me in silence, I felt bad. I felt bad because I apologized for telling the truth and that my efforts to correct her were all spent in vain.